For all the times,I don’t listen to you,I am sorry.I wish you didn’t have to always worry about me.I might be your disobedient child ,but Maa I am fighting my own battles.I wish I could explain more to you, but I don’t want to worry you anymore than I already do. For every morning, that I rush out before finishing my breakfast, for every night that I go to sleep before saying goodnight, I am sorry. I am only trying to hide from you, for one look at me and you will know – that I am not okay. Yes, I am not okay Maa, I am anything but okay and it will break your heart too. I know at the end of all days, when everybody leaves me, you will be there.When I am lost ,grasping for a way out , you will be there. You will take my pain as your own and my happiness will bring a smile on your face. Sorry Ma, that I am not happy .Sorry for hiding my pain from you.But I love you too much to see you suffer along with me.If I can’t give you joy, atleast I shouldn’t want to bring you more worries and pain. I know you are not convinced,but it can never be easy for a Mother to see their child struggling. I know you are aware that that I am camouflaging.But believe me Maa , I think its for the best. All the time, I think about the summer days, when you took me to the park, how you taught me to ride my first bicycle.Your endeavors to see me shine .Your efforts to make me happy.That beautiful dress with all your money saved.Your struggles and your sacrifices.I wish I didn’t have to be such a failure.I wish I could make you proud.I wish a lot of things Maa , but now I will try to be happy for you. No more differences , no more hiding.I will lock my pain away and start anew.Let’s have our new beginning today. Let’s go out, watch a movie,maybe?You will buy me ice-cream like when I was a child.We will talk for hours afterwards , laugh a lot. You will sing verses of your favourite songs and I will listen to you enraptured. And when we come back to our little home, I will lie with my head in your lap and sleep.
Yes,let’s have our new beginning today.
Your unworthy child (who loves you a lot)
The little hut by the sea intrigues me.The Thatched roof supported by bamboo posts and patchwork walls.Standing aloof on the sand ,half hidden by the palm trees.The little windows always remain shut.The faded blue fishing boat lying on the sand, a few feet away from it,looks just as forlorn and forgotten. The beach,otherwise full of people,yet the hut remains unnoticed.
As the daylight starts to fade and the shadows are ushered , the hut beckons me.I wander towards it ,unable to resist the temptation.It seems so familiar ,yet unknown-The wisp of a memory dissolved in oblivion.The crowd on the beach has dispersed by now and silence engulfs the surrounding,broken only by the rumbling of the black waves breaking ruthlessly on the shore.The sea gulls gawks at me with reproach ,before spreading their wings and flying away.I try to call out to them, to stay but somehow I am unable to.As I reach closer, an unnamed grief engulfs me. “I know you”, I whisper and I can almost hear the hut sigh.There is only one tiny room ,covered with cobwebs and sand.A broken cot lying in the corner.A round wooden table with long forgotten things scattered on it.A comb with a green handle.A lifeless watch.A few crumpled papers and envelopes.A bottle of pills.The silver pendant on the broken chain catches my eye.A photo of a girl, blurry with time.The pain in her eyes look familiar.It lashes at my heart like the lightning cutting the dark sky outside the hut.I can hear thunder.Is it the rain lashing outside?Tears roll down my eyes.I remember now.The dreams, the pain ,the unmet desires ,the emptiness and the end.As I look into the broken mirror hanging lifelessly on the wall,I see nothing.
It has been a month since I last met him.My whole existence ached for his presence.I know he has been busy.New classes,new friends,new success in office.And the tiny knowledge,in the corner of my brain – that he is not in love with me anymore.
Going against all rules of dating and break-up, I text him with little hope, asking him whether he wants to meet up. Ofcourse he doesn’t.
I realise that I am behaving like some naive teenager in school who falls in love for the first time and believes – always means forever. But it could have been just as real , if he had actually meant when he said that I shouldn’t be scared of being in love, because what we have is different from what’s going on in this world.I still believe in those words.
He tells me, by asking him out , I am making him feel pricey and he doesn’t deserve it.But I know no other way. I can pretend not to love him , I can pretend to move on .I can actually move on .But how do I stop loving him. ?
My paper boat,
Bobbing up and down;
Full of dreams,
Towards the glorious sun.
My paper boat,
swaying to and fro;
Drowns in the rain,
With nobody to row.
I died in the afternoon today.My heart finally gave out.But it was not heaven I found myself in.It was my living room.It was the same familiar surrounding where i have spent my lazy hours,slouching on the sofa,reading a book,half listening to my mom’s humming of old folk songs while she does her chores.But somehow it was different now.There was a soft glow about it.The lingering scent of jasmine that reminded me of my childhood.It was then, that I saw her.I saw my grandmother.Standing there,smiling at me her familiar smile. She came closer, and caressed my cheek and told me she missed talking to me. And I told her, I missed her too,so much. She looked small like how i remember in her last days when age had got its hold on her.. yet the same ocean of peace and sweetness with a touch of childlike innocence that shone in her face.I told her, she didn’t have to live alone anymore. That I understood her pain.We will be together now. But she kept smiling , love overflowing from her eyes . I tried to stop her , but she kept fading like the sun setting in the blue horizon leaving behind its warm glow. I was alone once again.